i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
