im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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