did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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