I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Randomize