im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Randomize
