morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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