so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
