they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
