I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
