I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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