I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
