Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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