i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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