I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
