i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
