im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
