no, he came in my armpit
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
