I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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