Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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