I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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