I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
