So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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