At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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