My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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