Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
