I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
