You smell like a Billy Joel song
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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