I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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