Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
