i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
