Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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