Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
