You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
