i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
