Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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