i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
