Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
