He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
