Porn is love you can see.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
