Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
