The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
