Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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