She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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