so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize