well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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