Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
try to milk me bitch
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