matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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