you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
