Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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