don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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