I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
