One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
