I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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