The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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