the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
