just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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