just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Someone came in the potted fern
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
