I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
